Sheldon's Harem
by Kirbilius Clausius
Summary: Amy's latest social experiment is a harem, centered around the most eligible bachelor she knows. 4.22
1. Thesis

"You are going to start a harem.", Amy Farrah Fowler declared.

Sheldon looked up from his ssl session with the MIT quantum computer's interface and at the window proper. "Are you speaking intentively or predictively?", he inquired.

"Oh, quite intentively.", she answered.

"Then you are wrong not misguided.", he told her and continued on with his work.

"Not at all.", she countered. "I interested you in the social sciences before. Have you grown that bored of me?"

Sheldon frowned. "Don't be ridiculous. If I had grown bored of you, I would be using another 17 percent of my cognitive facalties attempting to chase down the quantum refraction of this voltage."

"Ah, there you are, are not and and."

Amy huffed. "Sheldon, I am quite serious."

He sighed heavily. The man folded his hands. "Very well. Make your case."

"We've received competing grants to investigate traditional marriage. The LGBT lobbyist firm is hoping to prove that there is no difference, neurologically, between the alternate sexual relationships. The Christian lobbyist group is hoping for a degenerating condition for their opponents. Instead, I will be evaluating how the brain's tendency to adapt to a mate changes with multiple partners.

"In order to do so, I will need a suitable test subject. The person will have to be intelligent enough to contemplate all the facets of the dynamic social network focused upon them as well as holding high enough levels of chemo-electrical activity to be monitored regularly. More importantly, the subject will have to be a 'mack daddy', as it were, to attract multiple partners simultaneously as well as convince them to remain in an unequal romantic arrangement."

Sheldon nodded. "Complimenting my intellect and bordering dangerously close on defrauding both representations of my fundamentalist childhood tormentors as well as people so consumed with touching that they pursue alternative forms of the act, which as you know makes me wholly uncomfortable. You are not resting on your laurels, are you? However, I have a number of objections."

"You always do.", Amy agreed.

The frown nearly got to his lips before her words. "I will not have to touch anyone."

She shrugged. "I don't see how touching anyone would be part of leading harem."

"Furthermore,", Sheldon continued. "I object to the idea that women that understand my value will be in an unequal relationship, provided there are a sufficient number of them."

Amy huffed. "I will be participating in the harem as full wife or 'bottom bitch'. I can only guarantee my brain to hold a concentrated enough synaptic network to be viewed in the clarity I need at current MRI resolutions. Also, due to the unlikely chance of your actual interest initially, I will have to orchestrate the harem myself. Therefore, without getting into the settled spat of whose intellectual work is superior, I intend that the other members will be of a caliber that will put our sum total above your contributions once added to my own."

Sheldon thought for a moment. "Conceded. Will you be recruiting or must I?

"I would be remiss in my duties as a bottom bitch if I did not.", Amy told him. "Besides, I have already committed your Friendship Informational Packet and Captain's Log to memory. I believe I will be capable of filling your stable to the brim with fine fillies."

"Are you going to continue with the vernacular of racketeering prostitution for the duration of this experiment.", Sheldon asked.

"Well, if you do not find the slang of the pimp game as titillating as I do, I will sign off and engage in it with someone who does. Await my instructions on how to integrate the harem with your schedule.", Amy told him.

"Very well."


	2. Needed Materials

Leonard stood at the open door to his apartment. It was filled with women. Well, filled wasn't the right word. He was fairly sure people who were not nerds, people who were not _his_ people, regularly had this many women in an apartment shared by two employed, disease free bachelors. But those apartments were not decorated with superhero paraphernalia and unfinished environment modeling equations.

He began to speak but his survival instincts kicked in. Dr. Hofstader could easily avoid the situation by going to his room and catching up on some sleep. Unless his bed was filled with women as well. That idea was sounding better already. No-Priya. He would have to ask.

Leonard took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. Preemptively face palming he asked, "Sheldon: why is our apartment filled with women?"

Sheldon turned from his work desk to answer but a tall red-head turned his seat back. "This is theoretical physics time. Dr. Fowler will take care of Leonard's question."

Sheldon considered a moment, then agreed with a quick nod.

Before Leonard could question it again, Amy walked back from the bathroom. Leonard replaced his glasses and folded his arms, communicating his suspicion. "I was told you can explain why so many women are in my apartment."

"Of course.", Amy agreed. "It is all in the Female Company Notification I filed via e-mail and in person at the door to your room, as stated in the Roommate Agreement."

"Just talk to me, Amy. Tell me what's going on.", Leonard pressed.

"Very well.", she complied with some annoyance. "My report was thorough but concise. But if you feel that your speech center is the best part of your occipetal lobe, who am I to argue? I'm only a neuro-scientist.

"I am conducting research on the physiological differences caused by having a harem. Sheldon not only has the vast neural activity to be easily charted, but also a long history of reference brain scans due to his personal hobbies."

"One of which is having my brain scanned.", Sheldon chimed in.

"Back to work, Dr. Cooper.", the girl minding him scolded.

"I apologize."

Amy glanced backwards before continuing. "I have therefore constructed a harem for Sheldon to this end. To maintain control, I am holding the position of bottom bitch."

"Bottom bitch?", Leonard gasped. "um...exactly what...um...what does that entail?"

"The title is standard pimp speech.", Amy countered. "You told me you were from New Jersey, summer home of La Cosa Nostra, and other hardened criminals."

He pursed his lips upon realizing that he would have to entertain her condescension to garner a real answer. "Dr. Fowler, you know my area of expertise is experimental physics not static social networking."

Amy pondered that a moment. "I concur. And apologize. I will use lay terms.

"I am the female leader of the harem, second in command only to Sheldon. I have taken this role in order to not only observe the harem but also to structure it. As to that I am responsible for scheduling, discipline and recruitment.

"I believe you already are familiar with the remainder.

"Due to the high likelihood of Dr. Cooper's contributions to his field, his work must remain a top priority. Therefore, two members of the harem have volunteered for the task. This way they can take shifts retaining, avoiding the build up of annoyance, contempt and bother that prompted Sheldon to dismiss them previously while not coming to a clash of wills that would put undo tension in the group. Romona is a morning person and therefore has the day shift, while Kathy will serve nights.

"Sheldon also requires a certain level of serotonin to avoid neurological disorders and therefore work effectively. To this end, Martha Drohan will be the 'fun girl'."

One of the women on the couch, holding a Wii fishing reel spoke up. "I should have known Sheldon would have taken his work way too seriously for a casual approach to romance. However, hopefully my harem membership works out and we can build to something lasting."

"How could you think that his work wouldn't be all consuming?", Romona exclaimed.

"Because Sheldon knows to take out time for comics."

"Only on comic book night. And that's Dr. Cooper to you."

"I'm a member of this harem just as much as you. That gives me the right to call him by his first name if I want."

"I remember telling both of you that there would be no bickering until at least tomorrow.", Amy snapped.

The two looked away to the ground in front of themselves. "Yes, ma'am.", they chorused.

Amy shivered slightly, then deadpanned. "The power rush is exhilarating.

"And that reminds me. Will you tell Priya that, as a non-member, she can no longer refer to our male by anything less than Dr. Cooper for the duration of the harem?

"Continuing. You are of course, familiar with Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Sheldon's mysophobia insisted that if he was exposed to this many more people the harem would have to include a trained medical practitioner. He wouldn't accept my expertise."

"I prefer someone who 'spent time in the trenches', as it were.", Sheldon called out over his shoulder.

"Steph?", Leonard wondered. "You couldn't stand Sheldon when we were dating. What changed your mind?"

"Oh, my opinion is the same.", Stephanie told him as she tried to reel in a fish on the Wii. "But my new years resolutions were to meet some new girl friends and laugh more. So how could I refuse when Amy told me she was gathering women for Sheldon?"

Leonard held up his hand. "Alright, that's everyone here, if not everyone in total. Can you tell me if there is anyone in my bedroom?"

"That would be a violation of the Roommate Agreement.", Amy said. "Any member of the harem that incurs an infraction will be disciplined on first offense with either a with holding of a favorite article of clothing or a spanking."

The woman shivered again. "Yeah, that's the stuff. Ask me about other conditions I've stated I will meet out punishments.

"Mama needs another hit."

Leonard backed away. "That's alright. I'm just gonna go lie down...behind a locked door."

And with that, he carefully walked behind the couch to his room while keeping his eyes on the assembled women.

After he left, they all shrugged and returned to what they were doing.


	3. Hypothesis

1

"His temperature is perfectly normal.", Bernadette declared.

"Baby...", Howard tried to shrug out the question. "He told us Sheldon has a harem. Now your thesis is under review, so I know you're a competent biologist. Just...you know, tell us what's wrong with him."

Raj nodded fitfully.

"_Micro_biologist.", Bernadette corrected. "And if no one noticed, Leonard's about twenty thousand times bigger than my expertise."

Leonard exasperatedly took the thermometer out of his mouth. "I am not sick. Amy has made...created...gathered... Sheldon has a harem. I've seen it."

He gave them the most sincere expression he could.

2

"I don't believe it.", Penny declared.

Amy tilted her head quizzically. "Why, bestie?"

Penny outstretched her hands as if to present the idea on a silver platter. "You just told me you went and made Sharem a heldon. Sheldon a harem."

"Ye...e...es.", Amy nodded.

Penny's hands flashed in front of her. "That is so messed up."

1

"That is so cool." Howard declared.

Bernadette glared at him.

"No, no, no...not like that!", Howard objected. "I mean how much we can mess with him. The room mate agreement. His haptaphobia. More...where's my computer?"

Raj tapped Howard's chest and looked into his eyes.

"His family issues from a female household!", Howard realized. The two couldn't help but giggle.

"You boys aren't playing spin the bottle with the Catholic girl, are you?", Howard's mom screamed from another room of the house.

"No, maw!", Howard screamed back. "Sheldon has a harem!"

"Don't you lie to your mother, young man!"

2

"And getting a bunch of girls over their apartment isn't a frat boy scam, it's science.", Penny nodded.

Amy slung her arm around Penny and gave her a squeeze. "See, this is why I don't understand why Sheldon couldn't teach you rudimentary physics. You've accepted my hypotheses expiditiously."

Penny looked into her eyes blankly, then nodded. "Sure have. More wine?"

"We aren't drinking.", Amy stated.

"Oh, I must be.", Penny replied as she left the couch for her kitchenette's cabinets.

1

"Look, woman.", Howard began sternly. "He's much more my friend than he is yours."

"He doesn't consider you a friend, only a fond aquaintance.", Leonard reminded him.

"Hush you.", the engineer replied in the same breath. "I can prank, cajole and/or do anything I feel like to rattle him- as the whim takes me."

Bernadette stared at her fiance blankly. "If that's okay with you, dear.", Howard finished.

"One.", Bernadette told him. "Only one a day. And any time you do anything, you have to give me a foot massage."

"Raj, you know where my oils are.", Howard instructed immediately. "Leonard, candles are next to the towels in the cabinet. I see these straps come right off these heels..."

Leonard raised his hands in confusion over the audacity. Raj touched his forehead, pointed at Howard and gave a thumbs up as he nodded his way to the bathroom. Leonard rolled his eyes as he left the room.

A moment later, Howard's mom called to them. "You know I don't like greasy foot prints on my carpeting!"

2

Penny gestured with her glass of wine. "You know what really chaps my ass about this whole thing?"

"I believe so.", Amy stated. "As a neurobiologist I can adequately predict most cognitive functions."

Penny squinted at her. "No you can't..."

"17.", Amy told her as her eyes went wide. "That is the number you were going to ask me to guess, isn't it?

"But please continue. Comradarie is one of the most fundamental basics of a relationship. State your concern and then I will answer it."

Penny nodded. "So what gets me is now that Sheldon has a harem, there are hordes of women that get to go over to Leonard's apartment except for me because of Priya."

"Would I leave my bestie hangin'?", Amy asked. "Do not answer, except in an emotional negative, as that question was mostly rhetorical."

"The harem has need of a physical mother to any heirs. I stand by my pronouncement that you have excellent child bearing hips and a rough and tumble athleticism that could bear the rigors of the birthing process without anesthetic. The position is yours for the taking."

"You mean I get to smile sweetly into Priya's beady, little exotic eyes in smug satisfaction and all I have to do is have sex with Sheldon?", Penny asked.

Amy nearly spilled her glass. "Oh, Oort Cloud no! Sheldon would be sent into a tizzy that would undermine all of the findings, er, friendship. All you have to do is agree to such an arrangement until the end of the experiment. Which, in all probability, should end before the Nobel committee meets again."

"Nobel committee?", Penny asked.

"Well, Sheldon wouldn't donate his sperm for implantation before he won the Nobel Prize for physics. How would his child be able to respect his father?", Amy objected.

An intoxicated Penny waved her hand. "Honey, let me tell you what those two were doing the day I met them."


	4. Ethics Review

Raj looked at the Sheldon's computer chair, where a woman sat. He looked to the couch which held more women. He looked to the kitchen. The astrophysicist sighed heavily and pulled a can from one of the six packs he had brought with him.

Priya leaned into Leonard. "You should have warned me that Sheldon had a harem."

Leonard caught himself. "I did. I said 'Priya, listen carefully and don't panic. Sheldon has a harem.'"

"Sure, that's what you said.", she replied. "But I thought it was one of your comic book based jokes that's only funny to you and your friends."

Howard scoffed. "Yeah, like they'd put Sheldon's preying mantis face on the cover of DC's Superpimp."

Leonard laughed. "Nobody ever said Sheldon was one lab accident away from being a super_hero_ before."

Penny walked up to Howard and Bernadette, Raj, Leonard and Priya. "Hey guys.", she stated matter-of-factly.

"How's it hanging?"

"Like the fruits of Karma's garden.", an inebriated (psychologically) Raj replied.

"Hello Penny.", Priya offered. "You're here/"

"Well, anything for science.", the waitress cut her off. "I mean, Sheldon's suffering by making sure a bevy of beauties ran around half naked in his and Leonard's apartment."

"Half naked?", Priya repeated while staring into Leonard. For his part, he shrugged and shook in panic.

"Well, right now we were expecting company so we had to put something on.", Penny continued. "Am I right or am I right?"

The other woman just shook her head. "And just who's bright idea was this?"

"Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, bottom bitch.", the neuro-scientist introduced herself.

"I see you've met Penny. Perhaps you are familiar with Stephanie as she has engaged in sexual relations with Leonard as well."

"Is there anyone you dated that isn't here right now?", Priya accused.

"I don't believe so.", Sheldon answered as he walked up. "The only other woman Leonard has been romantically involved with is a wanted enemy espionage agent. On the other hand, considering her grandest accomplishment in that regard is the aborted attempt to seduce Leonard. So if she were here, we should attempt to capture her and use the resulting reward money to purchase and additional mu-shu pork."

"After all Priya, you should know for what Leonard will settle."

Priya gawked. "Sheldon!"

"That's Dr. Cooper.", Penny corrected as she leaned in, sarcastically helpful. "You aren't on an intimate enough basis to use the familiar."

The lawyer found herself with nothing left to add to the conversation. She spun on her heel and left.

Sheldon's eyebrows shot up in surprise. He viewed Amy and Penny smiling openly with Bernadette attempting to hide hers. He then gazed at the door Priya had left ajar.

"Pimping isn't easy.", he concluded.

Howard leaned into Bernadette. "And I still haven't used up my pranking credit."


	5. Trial and Error

1

The line from Leslie Winkle's apartment door was significant in that...well, it was a line to her door. The phrase was "Build a better mouse trap and the world will beat a path to your door step." not anything to do with fluctuations in quantum gravity or the occupant's other accomplishment...snarkiness.

Fortunately, Leslie walked down the hall to her apartment. "Alright, you sons of bitches... I should be insulted that every one thinks that I'm an easy lay now that my eighteen month policy is public knowledge. On the other hand, I honestly do have better things to do with my time than court some easily thrown away sap. So give me a moment and I'll start interviewing shortly."

The woman spotted something awry when she stuck her key in the door. "uh, miss? Even with the sad state of the bastards here, I'm still not a lesbian."

Amy reshuffled the dozen roses she had brought in her hands. "I would not be here if I suspected that to be the case.

"I am here representing the stallion of our harem. As bottom bitch, I have taken it upon myself to recruit new members. As you are a research scientist, and (I quote) 'quite the force to be reckoned with', I would like to extend an invitation to join."

Leslie awkwardly accepted the dozen roses. "I'm not really big into roses though they are a nice touch."

Amy followed the bouquet with a fifth of gin fished out of purse. "Now we're talking.", Leslie commended. "Whoever your guy is, he knows how to show a lady a good time."

"Every encounter I have ever had with him are some of the most stimulating experiences of my temporal existence." Amy honestly agreed.

Leslie regarded Amy carefully. "Is everyone else in this harem as dour as you?"

"Not at all.", Amy assured. "While it is true that there are some fully realized Ph.D.s, there are much younger doctoral candidates and even an aspiring actress as well as a 'fun time' girl. You know, for when things get cuh-razy."

Leslie looked at the roses and liquor she had been gifted with. Then she turned to the line of hopefuls from Berkley's college of physics. "Any of you ever have your own harem?"

Two hands raised from the men in line.

"Offline?", she continued.

Those hands slowly descended.

"Alright. Everybody's dismissed, good luck next blue moon.", Leslie called out. "Let's go meet this stud of yours."

"The proper term is stallion.", Amy informed. "It comes from the nomenclature of zebra herds."

"If I really cared, wouldn't I have asked your name by now?", Leslie objected.

"Touche.", Amy conceded. "Let's get our stallion to unload all his passion on you."

2

"Dumbass?", Leslie exploded.

Amy had led Leslie to her apartment: a location not associated with Sheldon...yet.

"Hello, un-clean one.", Sheldon declared. Amy's couch had been repositioned to face her door. That allowed Sheldon to have women sitting beside him (not in his spot), kneeling on the floor in front of him and standing behind him.

"I have brought another for your pleasure, dear.", Amy told him as she joined him on the couch.

Sheldon looked confused. "You assured me that her invitation was only to allow her humiliation at being sexually rejected by an enemy, finally allowing my inevitable revenge. I'd rather go back to trying to develop any latent telekinetic powers in order to crush her with my thoughts than actually touch...well, anyone", he whispered.

"Bazinga?", Amy offered.

"Do not sully the bazinga.", Sheldon scolded. "Anything other than Leslie's inevitable emotional turmoil and unrequited lusts while she writhes in the lonely depths of defeat robs the mirth from the bazinga."

Amy sighed. "Fine. Reject away. But you could have at least made her jump through a few hoops to test her fitness for the harem, then spurned her."

"You have hoops?", Sheldon asked blithely.

"28 and 32 inches in diameter.", Amy informed. "I have them in the closet."

"Oh drat.", Sheldon mourned."On the other hand, it's thai food night and we don't have much time."

Leslie stood in shock. She had missed the entire conversation due to attempting to reconcile the oxymoronic sight of Dr. Sheldon Cooper surrounded by women. "Dumbass?", she attempted to convince herself.

Sheldon lifted himself from the couch and began monologuing. "As you can see, Dr. Winkle, you are no where near attractive enough to qualify for the sexual dalliance you so feverishly sought. No mere quantum gravitationalist could approach the intelligence necessary to engage me. No one of your glaringly obvious genetic deficiencies could inflame or even rouse me. Any attempt to assure you of this would have fallen upon deaf ears: after all, if you cannot see the obvious truth of m-brane mechanics then what hope could I have of convincing you of my disgust as blinded by your desire for me? But now that I have a harem to display even as someone as simple as you can embrace the truth.

"Now, Dr. Fowler is a neuroscientist and she assures me that sexual rejection is one of the most searing immediate traumas legal to inflict on another human being. Please tell me that I've been successful."

Leslie's brain refuse to let this situation exist in her mind. "Dumbass? Has a harem?"

"Amy, I think I broke her.", Sheldon complained.

"You told her she was unattractive after inducing her desire, not murdered her family.", Amy assured. "Her endorphin levels will stabilize shortly. In fact, she'll no doubt repress this memory."

Amy snapped her fingers at one of the other girls. "Put her outside, Penny will be back with dinner soon and she'll spoil everyone's appetite."

Ramona nodded and immediately went to the still muttering physicist and guided her out of the apartment.

3

"Oh, hey Leslie.", Penny greeted despite having two bags of thai food dangling from her hands.

"You're the actress.", Leslie stated in a nearly spiritual tone.

"Yeah...", Penny cautiously agreed. "And you're a physicist. Are you alright?"

Ramona interrupted. "She's been rejected from Dr. Cooper's harem. You should just go upstairs."

"Just because she's not part of the Amy's experiment doesn't mean we shouldn't be nice to her.", Penny objected.

Ramona furrowed her brow. "It doesn't help."

Another woman made her way down the stairs. "Alright, Steph. How bad is it?"

"Dr. Fowler's a half step away from full militarization.", the medical doctor replied. "This one's not far behind either."

Ramona nearly hissed.

"See.", Dr. Barnett told her. "This is way more than what I signed up for."

With that, she continued on her way.

Penny slumped. "Oh, dingleberries."


	6. Observations

"Amy!", Penny called out. As she did not get a reply, she set down her bags on Amy's counter and walked up to Sheldon.

Just as Penny met him, Kathy had reached him. "um...Dr. Cooper.", she said in a nearly child-like voice. "This jar is so hard to open, I need someone with big strong arms to open it for me."

The man nodded and took the jar from her. "Penny, could you please open this jar?"

Penny was distracted enough to pop the jar open and continue with her own concern. "Where's Amy?"

Sheldon took the jar back and handed it back to Kathy. Only then did Amy appear, just in time to take the jar away from Kathy. "There's a fine line between voluptuous and chubby, dear."

Kathy just sort of stood still while her brain tried to process what just happened.

Amy continued. "What's the sitch', bitch?"

Penny's eyes narrowed. "That. That right there. Ever since this entire experiment began you've been treating everyone like...like..."

"As if she's as uncomfortable as most of _us_ are with interacting with _you._ Hence, you have noticed as many missteps as we would have noticed you making in Smalltalk.", Sheldon interrupted.

Penny objected. "I am an excellent small talk-er, maker with the small talk."

"Alright.", Sheldon conceded. "Could you explain to me why the instruction set is reflective?"

"Why what what is who?", Penny blinked.

"Bestie.", Amy interrupted. "Were you trying to call me a martinet?"

Penny blinked again.

"A despot. Absolutist."

Penny gestured with her fingers. "Keep 'em coming."

"Tyrant. Dictator."

"Yeah, that."

"Oh my!", Amy covered her mouth. "I hadn't realized."

"You just called me a 'bitch'.", Penny reminded.

"Only in good, counter-cultural fun.", Amy assured. "I didn't mean any animosity. Please don't stop being my best friend. I can pay your rent!"

Penny gathered Amy into her arms. "Calm down. It's not that bad. It's just that somehow this whole harem-experiment deal went to your head."

"I suppose that could be true.", Amy conceded. "But since I hadn't started to dress everyone up in a prom dress and pretend I was the only one who had a date like I had fantasized, I thought I was keeping it together."

"Perhaps it's for the best.", Sheldon decided. "Martha's getting a little too lippy for my tastes."

"I haven't heard a peep out of Martha.", Amy objected.

Martha passed by Sheldon on the way to Amy's kitchenette and pecked him on the cheek. Sheldon remained stunned until she came back the other way and pecked him on the other cheek.

"Great, now that's two sanitary napkins adding to global warming.", Sheldon lamented. "And that's not even considering the possibility of a contact high from that much alcohol."


	7. Conclusion

Amy and Sheldon entered into his apartment building. Amy held out the sheets of his brain scans taken with him watching the video footage of each member of the now defunct harem doing nothing in particular and holding a memento. Sheldon walked a step behind her, using his height to gaze over her shoulder.

"Well, at least we have a physiological explanation for your asexuality.", Amy stated on the first flight of stairs.

Sheldon responded while walking ascending over the second story. "I had always assumed it was yet another timely evolutionary benefit from attaining Homo Novus."

Amy arched her eyebrow on the next flight of stairs. "How would it be evolutionarily beneficial to remove a drive for procreation?"

"They can't all be winners.", Sheldon assured. "But what do believe the cause is?"

Amy continued over floor three. "This may sound like a strange question. But have you been exposed to a directional sonic amplifier when you were a child? Considering the size of your skull, the baby pictures your mother left where I would find on her last visit and a logarithmic growth rate...80 KHz when you were 8, lower if you were older and vice versa."

Sheldon answered as they approached the fourth floor, where his apartment was. "I had built a sonic death ray to counter the growing bully population of East Texas. It didn't seem to work, but I wasn't chased by dogs again. Half dozen of one, six of the other I supposed."

Amy turned to Sheldon as he fished his key out of his pocket. "And what happens when a tone is generated with a wavelength that is the diameter of the vessel it is directed at while that vessel is filled with a gelatianous mass of fatty tissue?"

"That's a silly question.", Sheldon stated. "It would resonate the tissue at...oh, dear.

"My poor right ventral tegmental area."

Amy held out the brain scans for him to confirm. Then Penny came from her door, dressed in her work uniform.

"It's no longer a mystery why Sheldon can avert his eyes from your apparent visage of Ashtar.", Amy stated. She then held out the black and white sheets that looked more like x-ray negatives than printouts of Sheldon's brain scans. Nearly as if Penny wasn't trying to remember the words 'avert', 'visage' or 'ashtar'.

"Mmm-hmm.", Penny pretended to agree.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "If you two hens are going to get to clucking, I'm going to acquire my post-hospital visit ice cream, thank you very much."

As Sheldon opened his door, Penny apologized. "I have to run to work, Amy."

"But you haven't even heard the abstract of the experiment you aided me with.", Amy assured.

Penny shrugged her agreement. "So what are the results?"

"Among all the participants, you and I are the only ones that Sheldon holds any actual affection for.", Amy told her.

"Really?", Penny asked. "Sheldon feels affection."

"Of course, I do.", Sheldon replied curtly. "I don't even see how the particular targets of that affection are surprising. After all, one of you is my friend and the other is my friend who is a girl."

And with that Sheldon entered his apartment.

"Hoo.", Amy uttered.

Penny glared at her with pursed lips. "I'm sorry, Amy. But I really have to go."

"I will see you out.", Amy told her. "After all, who but my best friend do I have to gossip about a potential crush' return of amorousity?"

"Aw, sweetie.", Penny began as they walked down the stairs. "There is nothing about Sheldon that says amorous or affectionate or even a word beginning with the letter 'a' other than 'asexual'."

"Au contraire.", Amy objected. "Notice he referred to my gender. It corroborates the fact that he doesn't have a 'spot' in my apartment despite visiting multiple times: he feels comfortable at all places within my living space. Let alone the fact that he doesn't shiver when I touch him like he does with everyone else."

"And that tells you there's hope of a romantic relationship?", Penny inquired.

"Well, it may take a nanotech reconstruction of his limbic system, but that's what? Seventeen, eighteen years out? Plus, it's my field of expertise. If I can find the right melothesmiatic tumor, I could cut that to twelve easily.", Amy assured. "Besides, you've given me the hope for involving another person in my sexuality one day."

Penny slid closer to the wall, away from Amy. "I have?", she questioned uneasily.

Amy nodded enthusiastically. "Of course! While Sheldon and I currently have a relationship exclusive to our mental interactions, my friendship with you (a community college drop out) shows that I can interact with others on a much baser level."

"Thaaaanks.", Penny said.

"And to think.", Amy continued. "My future orgasms aren't going to be directly linked to innovations in toothbrush technology."

Penny nodded...let's go with sympathetically. "Yeah, it wasn't like there's a huge market of lonely women clamoring for high tech...toothbrushes."

"Then again, with Sheldon's haptaphobia and the mechanical nature of the tool, I may get the best of both worlds.", Amy concluded.

By then the two had reached the lobby. They were just in time to see Ramona in a trench coat being led by Howard and Raj.

"Dr. Fowler?", Ramona asked in surprise. "These two stated that the e-mail that you sent notifying us of the end of the harem was incorrect, and that you were now testing out how costumes raised arousal. After confirming their identities against Dr. Cooper's Freindship Packet, I wore this and came right over.

The grad student unbuttoned her coat and revealed herself to the two women. While Amy's expression remained deadpan, Penny quickly averted her face to hide the quickly uttered, "Whoa-boy."

Ramona looked over Penny. "You went with a waitress uniform? I didn't think he was that chauvanistic."

Amy looked over Penny. "I don't know why you feel intimidated, bestie. That push-up corset still doesn't give her anything on you."

"That's all I can takes, I can't takes no more.", Penny said. She threw up her hands and left the building.

Amy turned her stone cold gaze on Howard and Raj. "Ramona, go home."

Ramona nodded and left. Howard and Raj glanced at each other.

Howard called out. "What's that, Bernadette? I need to leave right now with no discussion of why. Well, alright!"

He quickly skedaddled, leaving Raj alone with Amy.

"Do you have an explanation?", Amy questioned.

Raj brought out an emergency bottle of whiskey. Amy uncharacteristically snatched it out of his hand. Raj nervously pointed at the bottle, then his mouth. Amy did not change the look on her face. Raj shrugged in defeat.

"Didn't think so. Beat it.", Amy commanded.


End file.
